I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
