i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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