just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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