all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
