her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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