I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
