Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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