I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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