I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
