Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
