Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
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