I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
