I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
