this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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