You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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