grandma shit on top of the toilet
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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