Do you still have your period?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
