If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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