im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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