pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
