Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
