I wish I could punch you in the face.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
