They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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