He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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