My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
