I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
