At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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