How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
