hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
