Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
