I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
