With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
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Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
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Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.