Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her