I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
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I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
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I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.