i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Randomize
