The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Randomize
