The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
