My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
