Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
