Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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