I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
