I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
