so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
