first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
