and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
