its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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