party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
