he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
