I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I am available for nakedness
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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