therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
