Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
