I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
