I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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