cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Randomize
