Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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