dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
