Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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