Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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