I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
