whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
