you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
