When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
