he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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