so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
