drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
